Another day older...

Tomorrow is my Birthday, as mostly everyone knows by now. And I'm excited, but it's not just any ol' birthday. I'm turning 20 tomorrow. I'm entering a new decade, which is kindof a big deal. When I turned 10, it wasn't a huge deal, it was my golden birthday (I turned 10 on the 10th) but other than that, it seemed like just another ol' birthday. I know I've technically been an adult for a few years now, but I feel like now it's legit. It's for real this time.

I've lived a quarter of my life! And Lots of things have changed. But at the same time, I'm still me. Same wierdo goof ball that still acts like a little kid.

I've come a long way, I've learned a lot of lessons, accomplished many things. I've survived through the tough times, so far, and I've made mistakes, but it's all been worth it! Today my mom said, "I hope you enjoy you're last day as a teenager!" A part of me feels like I'm leaving my childhood behind, and I can never go back. Which is both a good thing and a bad thing, but I also know that it will always be with me. That girlish charm that is so prevalent in the way I view the world won't go away just because I'm one day older. I mean, age is just another title, right? Just another way to identify oneself. So no sweat, I guess it is just another ol' birthday after all.

It's about time...

It's been about 15 years since someone threw my mom a party for her birthday... which may not seem like a terribly long time for some, but it means a REALLY long time for me! The last time someone threw a party for my mom was when I was about three years old!

So about a month ago, my mom and I were chit-chatting about the holidays and the topic of our birthdays came up. Both of our birthdays are in December, so we're used to many, many parties during the holidays. When I heard just how long it's been since my mom had been given a party, I knew that something must be done!

Despite the fact that my mother's birthday is in the eye of the holiday storm, we're pulling out all the stops. (Which is easy to do when planning a party on someone else's budget, because it wouldn't be much of a party if it were on my dime, I'll tell you that much!) balloons, luminaries, over-the-top decorations, a breath-taking cake, and champagne of course, and.... well, we don't

 want to give it all away now do we? I figure that for twenty years my mom has always made my birthday a special day, despite the holiday madness. And NEVER has she ever grouped my birthday and Christmas gifts together, which is something that I really appreciate. So I figure it's about time that I give a little bit back.

We've just started to talk about all the details for the party, so we're not too far into it yet. (Although, I admit, I've inherited my mom's awesome party planning skills, and I've already got a few ticks up my sleeves...) But it's about time to put together a guest list, and I've just about finished the invitations that I made myself, and I'm pretty dang proud of them! My first legitimate encounter with photo shop, and I feel as if I know a lot already! I thought I'd post a sample or two of what I've come up with. Hope you like them as much as I do!

This was my original idea, but a little too pixelated for my taste.

Here's the final product, same idea, different (and better quality) picture.

Ahhh, this time of year...

Fall, for me, is my time of rebirth... The silliness of summer is behind me... (supposedly) I feel the most alive on those crisp apple days, wrapped up tight in a cozy sweater. I'm devastated I won't be able to join my family on their trek to New Hampshire, for it is truly the best place to celebrate fall.

I feel as if fall is the quiet before the storm, the storm of the holidays, and the fambly time. I'm always my most creative, and some of my best friendships started in the fall. I wrote previously about the first snow of the year (at least the first snow in my book), I was driving home from Barty's. When I got home, I satin the car, for a long, long time. I conversed with my thoughts as I watched the snow collect on the windshield and fall, sluggishly creating a fortress.

Its actually one of my favorite things to do... But I like it much better if there's someone else with me. Like the night I spent hours talking with one of my best of friends, Meg. That was the night I felt that switch flip, the "friends for life" switch that I am still so glad for today. The night my other best-friend-for-life, Tina, and I talked about life ahead... We were just girls in High School, and she was a mom in the making. I felt another switch that night, I felt my crazy care-free friend growing up and being responsible without me. There are so many switchy-flippy nights that came to my head, and made me realize just how far I really have come... Sometimes you don't realize how much things have changed unless you take a minute to stop and look around.

So I guess fall is when big pieces come together for me, when old things end, and new things sprout. I guess fall is for us phoenixes, to rise again from the ashes. As nature all around me is going out with a bang, I'm coming to life. No switches yet... other than the dropping out of college thing, but we still have time... we always have time.

What's This?! What's This?!

Tonight, as I drove home from Barty's, I discovered that it was snowing! There was enough snow that I had to brush off the car! It's not totally unlikely for it to snow in Utah, even in October, and it was really cold today... although, it did jumpstart those Christmas jitters!

But wait- I haven't even really gotten prepared for Halloween, let alone Christmas! It was only last week that I decided it's finally fall. I felt like Jack Skellington, on The Nightmare Before Christmas, all out of sorts, but in a pleasantly and unexpected way...

Not quite sure where to point my holiday compass to, all I have to say is, "Happy Holidays!"

Mr. and Mrs. Chicken

Fall is my favorite time of year. Fall is a time that I find inspiration. Much of nature, on it's last limbs, going out  with a bang, saving the best part for last. Fall is a time where transition is all around you, and is a beautiful sight to behold. And there's nowhere else in the world I'd rather experience fall than in Mont Vernon, New Hampshire. 

It was a very sad day when my Aunt Maria, Uncle Eric, and cousins Olivia, Tony and Annemarie had to move away. Both families were so much apart of each other, living five minutes away for a majority of my life, it seemed we'd almost taken it for granted. I often think about them, and hardly talk to them like we used to. But I always miss them the most when the smell of Fall hits the air. 

When we do go and visit, it's just like old times. You'd think things would be different, with the kids growing up and changing, but they're basically the same. All the same jokes, same punch lines, same nicknames... including the beloved "Chicken". It started many years ago, when I was a kid. My step dad Mark does a miraculous impression of a chicken and chases you around, and you can't help but squeal with delight. The tradition lives on, but my cousins, who are much younger than me, are now the torch bearers. But everyone in the family still refers to Mark as Chicken.

It was actually at my Aunt and Uncle's beloved "Green House" where my parents said their "I-do's". He wasn't deemed chicken just yet, but it was the day that he officially became my dad. Not a replacement, by any means, but he's been there for me when I needed him, which has been alot since I moved out. I never knew how much my parents meant to me until I didn't have them instructing, lecturing, and doing lots of other stuff that I was completely oblivious of. Now that I'm really really on my own, not going to school, trying to make a name for myself, a good evening spent at home with the rents can often be just what I needed. When Mark married my mom, he married all of us, and I've certainly kept his hands full of things to do, fix, clean-up, take care of.... take your pick. And the sad part is how much I took advantage of him, without even knowing it. I'm starting to realize how much he sacrifices for me every day, and at the time when I need him most, I feel a little bit undeserving. I know he loves me, and I know he is happy to help me out whenever I need it. 

How can this sort of debt be repaid?

And what would a Chicken be without his Mrs. Chicken? What would I be without her? 

Freedom is a beautiful thing, but it's also really hard sometimes not having someone there all the time to help. I don't know if I could handle it without my mom giving me her love, her pep talks, her occasional check up phone calls. Not to mention her home-cooked meals... How lucky am I to have two great parents like these? They love and support and give unconditionally.

Isn't there a way to give something back?

Fall time in New Hampshire not only beckons me, but my whole family. These parents of mine, would love nothing more than to up and move to New Hampshire. It's where they belong, and it's been calling their names for a long, long time. But they haven't moved there because of me... I tell them all the time that I'll be fine out here, but we all know that I'd be fine, until I'm not. I'd love to move away from here, and live close to my parents where I know they'd be happy, building their dream house near the ocean. Mark could sail on his boat that hasn't been used since my parents got married... If I could give them one gift, it would be their dream life in New Hampshire by the sea. I can  drop almost everything, almost. I can say goodbye to the friends I hardly see or talk to, the places, the job, but I can't say goodbye to my best friend. To the one I love the most. My parents can't leave me, and I can't leave him. So the one way to repay them, for all they do, isn't happening today. All I can do for now is be thankful, and hope that someday, at least part of this wish can come true.

As long as you're happy...

That's what my mom said when I told her I was thinking about dropping out of college. Not, "WHAT?!!!" In fact, there was no arguing about it. Simply, "I'm not happy with any of my classes, I don't feel good about the direction I'm headed, I feel my life calling me elsewhere." 

Of course there was the classic, "I just want to make sure you're not making this decision for the wrong reasons." We talked about the pros and cons, and I made my decision. I was skeptical at first, thanks to society burning the thought of "quick decisions are never rational ones" into my brain. And, of course, I can always go back...

But for some reason, I have the feeling that I won't, at least not any time soon. I'm sure my mom is hoping and praying that I will go back next semester (which is saying a lot, because praying's not her thing... at least, not in the traditional sense) But who knows what will happen in the future? The road is my highway! 

Where to now? My mind wanders off (as it so often does) to Italy, Spain, France, England, Japan! And then reality kicks back in... money... so wonderful when you have lots of it, and my worst enemy when I don't. Where does money come from? Certainly not trees, but maybe, o ya, a job! Which my current one isn't making ends meet, so I search elsewhere. A photography studio perhaps? Declined once already, but still determined to continue on! (After I've had a good cry and some chocolate, of course) Learning from my incredibly obvious mistakes and start over. Did I really think I'd get the first job I applied for? (well, yes, actually, seeing as the exact words were, "we'd love for you to work here, come by the office and we'll fill out all the paperwork and get you started!") 

My first bittersweet taste of living the life of the artist... Somewhat humiliating, but what I've dreamed about all my life. A slap in the face that really woke me up yelling, "HEY! Why so depressed? You're living your dream years before you ever thought you would! Now stop moping and take advantage of the opportunities waiting out there for you!"

I guess it took me a while to realize what my life's become, because it's not anything like I planned. Life never is. Expectations often lead you to the dead end of disappointment. So, when I have kids, I'm not going to ask them what they want to be when they grow up, or what they're plans are, I'll ask them if they're prepared to be surprised. I know I've never been one to follow the map my parents so graciously layed out for me, but I wouldn't be me if I didn't listen to my inner self and do whatever it takes to make myself happy.

So mom, I know you're probably worried about me. Even if everything's perfectly fine, you're worried about it because there's nothing wrong. (and I love you for that) but I'm going to hold you to your word: "As long as you're happy..."

Don't worry,

I'm happy.